It changed my whole world around - and I kinda liked it.

I still remember the first day I met this girl. Whoever thought a couple of conversations in English class would turn us into the best of friends. It’s been an incredibly long journey, and I’m glad to have you by my side and on my side no matter what. When I’m crying you always want to find the source of my tears and pound it into the ground. You huff and puff, become a woman on fire, and will talk my ear off about whatever it is that’s making me feel so much pain. People fear hurting me, because they know I’m covered - and that’s love.You’ve known all aspects of my life, the good and the bad. All your reactions have always been out of worry and love, and therefore no matter HOW you react, I know it’s because you care.

I really do love you to bits and pieces. You are so incredibly carefree about life and it rubs off on every person you meet. You speak your mind and show your emotions, not caring how it looks because it’s how you feel. You know that the right way to win an argument is by being logical, and not by being low and dirty. You have such love for the little things in life and become so fascinated to the point where they make up for the bigger things. You have a beautiful smile that lights up the room, with the cutest dimples I have ever seen. And when you laugh at my jokes it makes me feel like I’m the funniest person alive.

I will miss everything about you when I’m gone. How I’m going to last without talking to you properly for the next 15 weeks baffles me. You’re the first person I call in a crisis. You know exactly what to say to make it all better. I apologize in advance if I flood your inbox! I have absolutely no worries that our friendship will withstand time, hardships, and distance. My love for you knows no boundaries. It’s flexible, it’s durable, it’s everlasting.

Thank you my heart for everything. I truly hope you had an amazing birthday. I was so happy to spend it with you before I leave. Words can’t describe how much I’m going to miss you. Stay in touch home fry. <3

Chest pains. This is going to be incredibly hard for me to write…

I went to bed last night finding it hard to breathe. I relived the moment I was at Kathryn’s, getting the phone call from Bibby telling me what happened. I remember him begging and pleading for me to come. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to come and see you, it was just an earful, a handful, a mind blow. I remember he told me, “It doesn’t matter that you haven’t seen him in a while … It’s Alan.” I asked him to come get me. I was imagining what to say when I saw you. I remember there were so many times I thought of you prior to this phone call that month - old LJ posts, going to Frankie’s for my dad’s birthday, stumbling upon your FB, etc. I knew that you would treat me like nothing had changed, and I took comfort in this. I grew more and more excited approaching your house… However, I was misinformed. Walking into your house that night it was quiet… too quiet. I put two and two together and I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to ask either. Then while Bibby and I were on the phone with Eric, the truth came out. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I didn’t sleep well for a very long time…

This week has not been easy. I’m trying really hard to accept it, but I can’t. There have been nights out where I end up crying on Bibby’s (or random friend’s) shoulder(s) because I still can’t accept it. I’m surprised no one has slapped me in the face by now and said, “Who are you to be this upset? Move on.” I appreciate the fact that no one has yet. The truth is I am very upset with myself. There have been so many times where I’ve thought of contacting you, reaching out. Hell I’ve been on the same subway as you, texted you saying, “I see you”, having you look at me, laugh, say hi, and move on. Why the hell didn’t I get up out of my seat?I need to stop beating myself up over this. I’m sure it will eventually go away. For now what am I left with? Chest pains. This is not your fault. This is something I need to deal with (which is what I’m sure every friend, and every counsellor in the future will have to tell me).

As for the picture, it’s just one of my favourites.

(The title of this LJ post was “Laughter is the best medicine”)

Me: You ever had one of those days where you forget to do one thing and then your parents penalize you for it? Then they bring back everything you’ve ever done in one huge, annoying lecture?
Alan: Ooo, you should beat them up, like in the video I showed you!
Me: Ahahaha, they’re brown parents man.. they’re pretty hardcore.
Alan: Ahahaha.. WELL then… but yeah, it’s one of those things you just gotta deal with.
Me: Yeah.. exactly!
… OR, I could give them a swift roundhouse kick to the face! :P
Alan: Ahahaha, niiiice!

For all my ladies who do nothing but run free. Keeping moving forward, keeping looking forward and never turn back. Most days there will be others deterring you from the track that you beat beneath your feet. Let those who try to stop you be the the ones that light a fire within you to take the path you were meant to travel. They will be your fuel, your adrenaline, and your nourishment without you even knowing it. And some days there will be others there who understand just how wild you are, and won’t try to limit you, but encourage you, root for you, and comfort you. Hold those voices close, but hold the voices of your enemies closer. I’ll never stop running… so I’ll need all the fuel I can get. ♥

This truly speaks to me. I hope it speaks to you too. xo

Got to the station a little too late.

• Watching white men rip apart an Aboriginal speaker who spoke passionately about nature. “Nature doesn’t care about us. People care.” Seriously? /Uncomfortable
• Telling my professor I can’t attend my last class because it’s Alan’s death anniversary.
• Not being proud of this essay one bit. Even though I felt like I put my heart and soul into it. Will grad school even be an option?
• Seeing your face. I miss that face. Sigh.
• Realizing this is all probably due to the emotional roller coaster that is my time of the month…

If anyone needs me I’ll be in la-la land. Denial. Dreaming for the better.

You can change the world again, instead of protecting yourself from it.

It just isn’t right,
I’ve been two thousand miles,
Down a dead-end road…

Country music tugs at every emotion.

My exterior is slowly becoming rock solid. I’m becoming incredibly hard to break through. Here is the song that has been on repeat in my mind and right now since I got your texts. This is exactly what’s been going on inside my front: Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for wishing me luck. Right now I can still be honest and say I can’t, and this song is why. I won’t be gone forever. I’ll be back. We both need this, and the truth is I need it more. I’m leaving this entirely up to God, chance, the stars, fate, the powers that be. I took a huge risk today, but I think I’m settled with it, and you will be too.

All I can say is this: Ask me again sometime…


(Let me let go, darling won’t you?)

Just when I think I’m done studying, I play this song.

This movie is horrible… but the soundtrack is pretty decent.
Enjoy my latest anthem. :)
R.I.P. Natina Reed

Even if I leave alone,
I’m good,
And even if you come along,
I’m good
It don’t mean a thing to me cuz
I’m good - with or without you.

She means well. She’s a tough customer. She doesn’t want me to settle.

During a family dinner last night, the girls discussed how important it was to be with people that helped us feel secure (because they were secure too). So I won’t settle. I see how happy they are and I know it’s because they were smart.

On another note: I’m actually not afraid to speak my mind anymore (only some times, because if I do others it may turn out ugly). No regrets, no excuses, and no apologies.