Terrified.

My dad knows how to instill fear in me, but I don’t think he intends for it to be fear. He just wants me to be realistic, which is difficult when your daughter is a daydreamer and believer that things are going to work out the way it should. However, I think it’s time for me to wake the fuck up. 

It’s the worst right now, because there is still so much up in the air. I’m trying really hard to hold it all together, even though it looks like I’m happy and excited for this next milestone on the outside. I’ve also already set myself back another milestone, which adds on stress that I could have avoided. This is pushing me beyond my limits, beyond my stress levels, beyond anything that I’ve ever worked for. THIS is literally sink or swim.

Internally I’m digging myself into a hole to hide all my worries and feelings. I no longer talk about this anymore unless someone asks me, because what good is talking about something like this? All you can do is do, and when that’s done, all you can do is wait. However, if when the waiting is over, and this milestone doesn’t work out in the end… I will not only internally dig myself into a hole, but ACTUALLY dig myself into a hole. I can’t afford to walk around with a big “failure” sign attached to my forehead after I’ve made a huge fuss over this, and then what? All for nothing.

I refuse to let that happen, because God knows when I want something I go out there and somehow get it. But this time I already feel defeated. And this time I am actually terrified. There has been too much loss, pain, and betrayal this month, and for once I’m just rolling with the punches and not letting myself feel any of it. Or maybe this is just me growing up…finally letting go of all the stupidity all around me. 

I don’t care if this post seems weak or whiny. Being positive definitely benefits your well-being… but so does a reflection. Let me have that.

"Genie, I’m gonna miss you.”

"Me too Al. No matter what anybody says, you’ll always be a prince to me.”

(via effyeahhiccstrid)

Unfortunately some people never change. And when that happens, repeat this to yourself…

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2. To-Dont’s: Don’t consume your head with strangers

Lovers and friends can be strangers again. When they are, don’t stress, but instead put all your time and energy into something that needs to get done. Job hunt, write, read, or go outside. Do something that will benefit your goals, life, and well-being. Keep your mind busy and your plate full. And if you need some company, there are still so many beautiful people that provide enough support and love to keep your soul nourished.

Life is still beautiful.  .

 

Thank you for loving me anyway.

You make it look so easy to do.

Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder, worry, and wish for/if the next two years will be a breeze for us. The love is there. It’s survived multiple storms. It has surpassed time. Question of the year: “Are we gong to make it?” 


I hate that after all this time, I STILL don’t have an answer.

3. I’m your number one fan. Even if you’re not mine.

The best in people is truly not hard to find. I don’t keep my enemies close for any other reason except to be kind. I’ve been told that I’m too nice, which is actually very true. I can be incredibly forgiving, although I’m learning not to let people in as much anymore after I forgive… especially those that fool me more than twice. However, overall, I believe in the good of people, and more so that everyone has good in them that they share with their world (even if I’m not included in it). I will praise you, compliment you, support you… and I don’t even need to know you very well or talk to you every day. However, I will show that love more to the people I’m closest to. And will show it even more to the people who have been consistent, loved me at my best/worst, stuck it out, and continue to stick.

No matter what happens, no matter what you do to me (or anyone else), I will always be your number one fan — even if you’re not mine. No ulterior motives. As corny as it sounds… I just want everyone to know they have purpose in this world, because (without any of us knowing) it may be their darkest hour, and they may need to hear it.

2. Not just a pretty face.

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I was told that because of my future plans I’m a woman that’s “out of your league”. I never saw it that way, but I think in order to get what I want in all aspects of my life I need to start believing it.

"My mind was screaming… but my heart…"

God always brings me back to you.
This time I’m here to stay, no matter what the outcome.
Promise.

2 years later and this day is still ingrained in my mind. The wound is still fresh, deep, and struggling to heal. I still fight with myself to hold back tears. My chest still hurts. Chest pains. Finding it hard to breathe. Living with the fact that I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry. I will always be sorry.

R.I.P. Alan, a.k.a. “Pooper”. This is officially the hardest day of the year for me to get through.

Miss you,
Booger

#rip  #apv